We can hear you now

It was Lisa's birthday.

The reason I knew this is that an otherwise-normal-looking gray haired lady at Portland International Airport used her cell phone to call Lisa and – in the middle of roughly 150 people crowded around a gate waiting for a delayed flight – sing "Happy Birthday" to her at the top of her lungs.

After the obnoxious musical call, the lady dialed through her address book like a woman possessed, leaving lengthy, loud, personal messages for friends and family members. It was remarkable in a sad sort of way.

She’s far from unique. Abusing cell phones is an epidemic. In April, the New York City Council passed a law against using cell phones at the theater and in museums. If you can’t control yourself, or your phone, you get to pay $50. In October 2003 in Massachusetts, a man was charged with assault after he allegedly stabbed a person who asked him to turn off his ringing cell phone in a movie theater. And at a 2004 technology conference, one panelist answered his cell phone … during his presentation.

I sometimes think people with bad cell phone manners follow me around. In mid-May in San Jose, I sat next to Kevin who wanted his colleague to call Wendy and ensure she "has her shit together for the meeting tomorrow.” He spent the next several minutes detailing Wendy’s inadequacies. Loudly.

In a bookstore the next day, a sing-song ring of "Dixie,” startled those of us in the magazine section, but not nearly as much as Linda’s conversation with her new boyfriend as they planned dinner at a Mexican restaurant accompanied by a "nightcap” at her nearby apartment.

I spend most of my time teaching executives how to conduct themselves in front of a camera, not how to talk on the phone. But with roughly 120 million cell phone users in the U.S., cell phone abuse is only going to get worse. So in the interest of stemming that rising tide, not to mention preserving my own sanity, here are five tips for polite cell phone etiquette – suitable for passing along to friends, colleagues and family members.

1. Increase the peace – turn off the ringer at the movies, or theater, or opera. Cell phones come with a vibrate option. Use it. Or turn the damn thing off and pay attention to your son’s soccer game.

2. Speak softly – cell phones have very good microphones. There’s no need to shout. And, no, you do not have an invisible cloak of secrecy around you in the airport, on the bus or riding the train. Really.

3. Build barriers – if you’re sitting in a public place you can’t have a private conversation. Be considerate of others. Keep a 10-foot barrier between you and the assembled masses.

4. Toilet train – no matter how urgent the need, you don’t need to talk while peeing. Yes, I’m talking to you Mr. Loud Voice in the Denver airport men’s room by gate A32 on May 7. One survey indicates that 47 percent of adults think it’s okay to talk on cell phones while in restrooms. It’s not.

5. Watch the road – don’t dial while driving – or operating heavy machinery of any kind. To the driver of the tan SUV I saw swerving along I-5 near Seattle in April – this means you. Your child in the back seat will thank you, and so will we.

These are common sense options; they’re just not that common.

If I ruled the world, etiquette violators would receive short, sharp shocks that would eventually elicit a Pavlovian response every time they even thought about using their phone in a public place.

I’m not alone. An industrial design company called Ideo has come up with prototypes of "social” cell phones that deliver a mild electric shock to the user depending on how loud they are – the louder the conversation, the stronger the electric shock.

Talk about an idea whose time has come. If the lady at Portland International Airport had such a phone she’d still be in the fetal position by gate A2 – and deservedly so.

To Lisa – happy birthday. I hope your friend just sends you a card next time.

To Wendy – I hope the meeting went well. Free advice: never tell Kevin anything that you don’t want mindlessly broadcast to strangers.

And to Linda’s boyfriend – I hope you enjoyed your burrito but mostly I hope Linda’s cell phone stayed silent in her purse before, during, and even after the nightcap.

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